Denial

Okay, this one's not lemon. There's no graphic description in it but still some of you may find it slightly disturbing in some ways. You must be wondering about the image above. Well, you'll see what it is when you read the fic. For now, I won't say more in order not to spoil the story for you. Again the discussion thread can be found here or simply you can email me your comments. Anyway, enjoy! If you can... *throws an evil look*

*

RRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

That sound echoed in my mind forever. I felt as if I was going deaf when it was replaced by a constant ringing sound filling my ears. Everything around me froze as if the time had stopped. I, who was writhing like a caged bird a moment ago, couldn't move a muscle. I stared blankly at the stranger on top of me.

He was holding a piece of cloth that was once a part of my shirt. His blue-green eyes wide open with the shock of what he had just done were looking at my fully exposed chest before he lifted them to meet my eyes. I turned my face over and before I knew what I was saying his name had fallen out of my mouth.

"So what are you going to do to me, André?"

André? No! I could hear my heartbeat getting quicker at the devastating realization of the awful truth. Tears began to roll down my pale cheeks. It couldn't have been him... It just couldn't be... Yet, those eyes were so familiar...

I turned to face him again. He looked as if he was about to cry. His eyes narrowed, his mouth fell open in desperation, his face began to wrinkle up with self-hatred. He looked so miserable. Finally, he lowered his stare to evade mine and slid off the bed. He carefully pulled the covers on me, making sure that no part of my body was left out. Then he kneeled down next to the bed and took my hand into his. I shivered as I felt his touch which awakened nothing but disgust in me. But I couldn't pull my hand away as all the energy in me had drained out in the last couple of minutes.

He began to speak still holding my hand in his palms. His voice was coming from a distant place but I recognized it at once and this time I was proven that he really was André. My still ringing ears caught up parts of his speech like "sorry", "God", "rose", "lilac", "20 years" and "I love you..."

It was only after I heard the door shut that these words started to sink in. With a whirl of vivid scenes from our childhood to present day, the last terrifying minutes of tonight that had altered my life completely began to flash in my mind.

André sees me for the first time on the staircase... I give him a sword and challenge him... We spend days outside horse riding and fencing... We almost drown in the lake in Arras... We bury treasures under that huge tree... We have our first big fight... Then André finds and holds my hand lying on the ground... I present my life to the former king in exchange for André's... I wake up on André's lap after falling off my horse on the day we visited Arras... André gallops towards me carrying a mantle under the pouring rain... André stares in astonishment to see me in a woman's dress... André comes to rescue me from the Black Knight... André smiles at me with his left eye bandaged... André offers me to help picking up the glass shreds... And then...

"A rose will always be a rose whether it blooms in white or red... A rose can never be lilac..." he had said.

I had told him that I was quitting the Royal Guards and that he didn't have to accompany me anymore. What did it have to do with roses and lilacs? But I knew very well what he was trying to say. It was after hearing those poisonous words that I had lost control, just like he would seconds later, and slapped at him as hard as I could. Now it seemed very pointless to react like that.

The salty tears had now dried and were making my face itchy. But I couldn't dare wiping them off for fear that if I moved they would start flowing again.

How could André do that?

I asked myself this question over and over again until another thought cut in my agonizing self-interrogation. He had said that he loved me for more than 20 years. The idea sounded so absurd that for an instant I thought I was going crazy and making up unimaginable declarations.

Why would he love me?

Why would he be so hungry to touch me? I was nowhere near as charming as a woman. What was I really? A man? A woman? A freak? What?!

With an urge to answer those questions I stormed out of the bed, lit up a candle and took off all my clothes until I was naked. I turned to my reflection on the mirror illuminated by the light of the candle who told me that I was indeed a woman.

But I wasn't satisfied with that. My body was nothing but a shell, a shelter for my soul. There was a man behind that wall of flesh.

Just then I noticed dark stains down my inner thighs. First I thought that the shadows formed on the quivering candle light were playing a trick on me. But when I looked closely I could see the shining blood-red smudged on my skin. I started trembling uncontrollably at the outrageous thought that stroke my mind.

What if he...?

That couldn't be! I tried with all my might to go over those horrible flashbacks again to make sure I was conscious enough not to let anything like that to happen. What had really happened after André ripped my shirt? Suddenly I couldn't remember anything. My mind had gone all blank!

Among my hopeless sobs, I watched a trail of blood go down my legs simultaneously as my tears.

Then it hit me that it was near the time of my menstruation period. The indisputable proof of my feminity that I resented every month like all other woman did but in a different sense.

My trembling stopped. I had never thought that my period which I regarded as the utmost source of embarrassment would relieve me, who was a man in a woman's body, one day. However, my relief would be short-lived as the unknown voice in me had started to question me again.

If you are not a woman why would you care?

Care if André did rape me? I couldn't answer that.

Really, why was I so terrified when I saw those expressionless eyes? Why did I try to fight him off with all my strength? Why was I crying and trembling just moments ago at the mere thought of him carrying on with his intentions?

Because you were disgusted at being seen as a woman in his eyes.

Yes! I had been raised as a man all my life. I was not simply the heir of the Jarjeyes family, but a well-respected soldier who had devoted his life to his duties. My pride just couldn't accept being treated like a woman figure in the most abominal way. It was shocking, humiliating, damaging and certainly unacceptable.

I knew at once after I had these thoughts that this wasn't the reason. I had behaved like any other woman would in the same situation. I had helplessly tried to defend myself. I was scared and heartbroken because I had been betrayed by the one person I trusted the most.

You are indeed a woman after all...

A painful smile curved on my lips. How fast had I forgotten Fersen... Much faster than I had even hoped for when I was collecting those broken pieces of my heart on the night we parted our ways. How fast had I mended those pieces? Or perhaps I hadn't... I had just thrown away each one I could collect in the hope of cutting out my woman's heart completely.

But it was there. Still in pieces but it was inside my chest where it should be. Hurting me and making me bleed...

My eye caught the piece of cloth on the ground next to my bed. I picked it up and wiped off the trace of blood on my leg. Then I took what remained of my shirt from the bed and ripped it into equally smaller pieces. When I was done, I laid each piece on top of the other and finally folded them with the now-crimson piece that André had ripped. I had come up with a menstruation pad which would manage me till tomorrow morning. I tucked the sufficiently thick bundle of rag between my legs before I put on my pants. It was definitely better this way than having to explain to Nanny how my shirt ended up being severely ripped.

I lay down my bed. André's scent was still there. However, it didn't disturb me. Instead I felt a slight pity for him. He was no different than me at all. He too was suffering for love. In fact, he was much more in pain, loving me silently all these years. How come I hadn't noticed it before? How painful it must have been for him to see me fall for Fersen? A boiling guilt was starting to rise in me. He was right there beside me almost every moment of my life and yet I was causing him pain the whole time! And he hadn't even once complained.

The flashbacks from our childhood began to reappear in front of my eyes. In each frame André had the same kind, gentle and caring expression. Now it hit me that it was the expression of someone in love. Oh my God! He always had that expression so I couldn't tell his real feelings.

And I called myself his "friend"?! No, I had never been that. I was more like a parasite, depending on him and sucking up all the compassion he had until nothing but lust was left in him.

I breathed in his scent. I had never known the scent of a man before. It was different yet strangely sweet in a way. I thought someone with such a sweet scent can't be made of only lust. André still had compassion in him or else he wouldn't have stopped after ripping my shirt. I vaguely remembered him saying "I swear to God that I'll never do this again." I wanted to believe him with all my heart.

However, I couldn't entreat in his compassion anymore. I hated myself for being so blind to his feelings but if I were to realize them earlier what choice would I have other than to part my ways with him? Now the feeling of guilt was replaced by a devastating despair. I was going to go with my previous decision because I had no intention to be either a puppet or a parasite. Woman or man, it didn't matter. I was going to live freely and strongly.

Besides, André would do much better without me and get over the grief of love just like I did. But I couldn't help feeling that it was very unjust the way I was shutting him out of my life. Yet it was best for both of us.

"I'm sorry, André..." I thought.

My dear! How long will you keep on denying yourself?

The intruder was back! But I silenced it quickly and closed my eyes to get a bit of sleep. That was too much drama for one night.

*

That's it! Some of you might think that the "make your own maxi pad" part is a wonderful piece of symbolism and others might find it simply gross. I think it's somewhere between XD I did a bit of research to find out how women used to deal with their monthly periods and I came across The Museum of Menstruation! Check it out! It's very interesting ;)

I'm not sure if this fic is an "out of character" or "alternate universe" fic. I don't know the difference between them well. Either way, this was my first try to write a fic only from Oscar's point of view and obviously she might not have thought/acted like how you'd imagine her to.

MAIN